I will hold on hope

Last week was one of the most emotional weeks of my life. Mamaw's death wasn't a surprise, she had been in the nursing home since Christmas and lost the use of her legs. She hadn't lost the will to live, she was the most amazingly optimistic person I've ever known,  but she was looking forward to going Home.  Although I knew this, I guess I hadn't prepared myself well enough. To me it still seemed sudden. I think she had become sort of invincible in my mind. She was so resilient, she lived through 2 World Wars, the Great Depression, the tragic deaths of her young son and grandson in a plane crash, the deaths of her husband, her son Darrell, and her sister, Helen, as well as granddaughters and grandsons. She used to joke about how all of her friends and relatives in Heaven probably thought if she wasn't there by now she must not have made it :). That was my Mamaw, constantly cheerful, always happy to see you, showering you with love, always cracking the most hilarious, and sometimes outrageous jokes, and tough as nails.

There is so much that I'm going to miss about her.  But she has been such a huge part of shaping my life, she was my biggest fan. I'm sure she bored the nurses to death telling them about her "big city" granddaughter.  She was so proud of all of her children and grandchildren. Now I can only hope and strive to live up to what she saw in me.  I wrote down a few traits of Mamaw's that I hope live on through me:

• I hope I smother my children and grandchildren with love. I hope they're slightly annoyed by how often I call them because I love them so much that I worry and want to know everything going on in their lives, so that they never have any doubt about how much I love them.
• I hope that I can somehow come close to being as optimistic and forgiving a woman as Mamaw. I hope I can love without judgement and forgive without conditions.
• I hope my life reflects Jesus half as much as Mamaw's did.
• I hope I never take myself too seriously, and remember to find humor in things, even in hard times. I hope to be lighthearted and joyful, never mean or hardhearted.
• I hope to have a servant's heart, and find joy in serving others as much as Mamaw did. She never stopped wanting to serve, even when she was in the home. I hope to be welcoming, warm, and always so happy to see you.
• I hope to be an excellent storyteller someday, something I've never been good at, but I will always remember Mamaw's stories. She had a way of telling them that made you want to listen.
• I hope to be embarrassingly proud of my family, I want to brag on them even if they don't deserve it, and never make them feel inadequate.
• I hope if I ever become "slightly" overweight down the road (God forbid), but if it happens, I hope I can make self-deprecating jokes about myself and not be overly concerned about it.
• I hope to love God more every day, and strive to serve Him and rejoice in Him daily, taking one day at a time until He calls me home.

Mamaw seriously was all of these things, she amazed me. If I can achieve one of these things I would be doing pretty good. When I found out about her passing I was in Austin with some friends for a concert. Although I wished I could be home with my family, it was a good distraction. The headliner for the concert was Mumford & Sons. If you don't know them they are a really great group with a powerful sound and moving lyrics. I ended up going, and I felt like I was meant to be there, to be joyful. I took a couple of short video clips, the first song is one of my favorites. 

Cause I need freedom now

And I need to know how

To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

Here's a video of when they brought the Austin High marching band on stage :) It was such a fun and joyful night, I'm glad now that I could be there and celebrate life. I think Mamaw would have approved.